“Oh, there you are, Peter!”
This is not an easy thing to admit, but here it goes! Recently Matthew took his first trip that did not involve work or family but just the pure pleasure of being a human by himself! He went to Colorado to see Blink 182. Yes yes yes, they did perform in MN, but he tells me the tickets were not on sale yet…. Hmmm, but his best friend lives in CO and is equally obsessed with Blink. How could I say no? (no, seriously, how?) He was going to leave on July 2nd and return on the 4th.
My brothers were flying in from D.C and South Carolina and we always get together over the 4th anyways, and my sister and Mom said they would help out as much as they could, knowing full well that I get anxious flying solo with all of my kiddos. So, with that assurance, away he went! We spent the night at the farm on Saturday the 1st and he snuck out (okay, not really) early that next morning. I was left to pick up after the kiddos and pick up the camper and everything else in between.
Please keep in mind that this does not sound hard at all, or maybe it shouldn't be as hard? I am still grappling with this. But, having a toddler that you must constantly carry otherwise she will start bawling her eyes out is super hard to get anything else done! Yes, I have three other kiddos, but I can't always ask them to watch their sister. So, I had to grin and bear it with many breakdowns (from both of us) while cleaning up the camper.
I packed up the kids and headed back to my house and I felt so much better. They were handling everything I said with ease and grace, and I looked at myself in the mirror and said, "Hey girl, nice job, mama! You're doing it!) Think of the movie Hook where the cute little black boy touches Robin Williams cheek as he pushes his face back from all the old and tiredness that fell on him and said with admiration, "Oh, there you are, Peter!" That is EXACTLY how I felt! I am in here, doing my best, and my woman empowerment is emerging! I can fly! Ha, get it? Because of Peter Pan and Hook and getting him to believe in himself in order to fly! YEP.
And then lunchtime rolled around! HA. Just kidding. Everything went well. Because my siblings were in town, we were going to and fro to my hometown, which is 30 minutes away, packing up the four kids, unloading, letting them know to listen and be calm, eating, and then packing them up again. They and we, honestly, were doing exceptionally well!
Meanwhile, Matthew was sending me these pictures of him hiking, being at the concert, and cups of coffee and enjoying himself! I was so proud that he was able to have this time away. As a parent, partner, and human, YES YES YES, GO! Your mental health and comradery and connections are soooo important. Please, enjoy yourself. All the while, these feelings of jealousy and envy were rearing their ugly heads. I breathed through it (for a hot second because Roozie Doozie wanted to be held) and pushed through because that's what you have to do, right?
Then roll around to the 4th. The time has come to pick Matthew up from the airport finally. I had to pack for the 4th, coolers and snacks, diaper bag, and kids, and away we went! I roll in line and spot him immediately… and here comes the not-so-easy thing to admit….. I was pissed! Hand to God, I yelled at him, gave him the cold shoulder, was ornery and sarcastic, and literally could feel myself backsliding into an outraged teenager who is having an emotional fit! I was coaching myself the entire time because, as a highly self-aware person, this is our blessing and our curse! We can look outwardly, or inwardly and see ourselves becoming more and more irrational at times. But you know what? At that time, I did not care! I was solo parenting (okay, for two days) and I was mad. I was jealous. I was TIRED!
I cried from the airport to our cabin in southern MN. I didn't want to talk. I wanted to brood. But after seeing this outward display and figuring out how my kids are handling this, I decided to talk. I tried to be rational and calm, but it didn't come out like that.
My aunt, who had to solo parent for 8 years, hugged me and said, "Kenzie, I did this for eight years, but I didn't have a choice, and you do! I know you can do this; you are strong, but why would anyone choose to do this if they don't HAVE to? It’s going to be okay!”
She got it! She nailed it! I felt validated and heard. Mental health is essential; being alone and having these growth periods are hard and rough. But you must go through them. We aren't perfect at all, and it led to come amazing conversations with Matthew when I settled down, of course. We need more time to be "Kenzie and Matt" just us, not parents, or siblings or otherwise, just, husband and wife!
I don't have a moral to this story, just to show my vulnerability that I was jealous even though I have gone on trips without Matthew, and he handled it the complete opposite way that I did. I needed to decompress and just let it all out. I love him for giving me that time and space to lose complete control of my emotions. And in the end, it has made our relationship stronger.
Now please don’t tell me that Blink 182 is going on tour anytime soon!