For the Love!
Being in a relationship is hard. Talking to people is hard. Talking to people about your feelings is hard. But how about when it comes to your spouse? How do you argue? How do you fight? How do you express your feelings and emotions? Do you yell? Do you use hurtful words? Do you say sarcastic comments (guilty!)
I argued with my husband this morning. I don't even know how it started, but I could tell there were a lot of underlying things he wasn't saying. As an empath and just being his partner for like, eons of years, I can tell. So, I did what any good wife would do: I started using sarcastic comments that would poke and prod the bear until he told me what was really wrong.
He told me he was doing so many things at work and didn’t want to overextend himself and become the workaholic he was before. So, therefore, he is going way the other way. Obviously, he is not being a deadbeat at all, but a huge contributor to his organization. However, it was a huge point of contention for 10 years when he worked at his old job. While I was busy birthing four babies, he was busy saving the world, one patient at a time. Okay, he is not a doctor, but he was in I.T at a major healthcare company. So again, saving one patient at a time, indirectly of course.
I relied heavily on my coaching skills. "Matthew, what does that feel like?"
His response: " I am trying to balance everything but am afraid that I am going in the opposite direction."
We agreed that there needed to be balance and guardrails when it came to this. It won't ever be like before because neither of us will let it, and we have an open communication thing going on here, and…. And… our kids are not babies anymore. However, our youngest IS two years old. (Uffda uffdey)
I knew there was still a lot of digging and surfacing we needed to do, so I kept coaching and asking open-ended questions. What are some ways you can tackle this today? It feels like you are under a lot of stress. How can I help? How can our family help? How can we give you the time and space to get these items done? And my true wifey personality coming out; and what the eff are those items that need to get done?
And let me tell ya, people if you don't want to hear the answer, DO NOT ASK THE QUESTIONS!
"Well, Kenzie, we have talked about you giving me time and space for a little bit, meaning I need two hours to work out in the yard, and you never give me the time and space! I feel that every time I bring something to the table, you dismiss it, and it always ends up being my fault and that I need to do better!"
WELL HOLY F*&(*&(*&W(*ER(P*W#& F)(*)! You should have seen my face. You should have see my face right now! To say that I was smacked right upside the head is an understatement.
He was right! He was absolutely right! Let me write that again: He was ABSOLUTELY RIGHT! I need to do better. It is my turn to step up! To hear this and to understand that I was in the wrong and need to do something about it is a hard pill to swallow, but one that I am happy to take. I feel bad, horrible like I failed him and us in some way. I also feel utterly embarrassed. But then I look at it like, "Kenz, he's right. You do need to step up. You've been feeling this push for a couple of days, and you haven't acted on it. Well, now it is time!"
I should say that things happen at the speed of light in my life. If I am feeling something and don't act on it, it WILL come up in other ways. It will manifest in a song, something I am reading or hearing, but it will not leave me alone until I do something about it. That's the way my life works, at least. Some people can ignore it; sometimes, I wish I could. But I can't.
So I started life-coaching myself, and let me tell you, that’s always a treat!
What are some ways that I can show up for him? What does that look like? What does that feel like to him and myself? How do I communicate that? How do I show it? Dare I say, why haven’t I stepped up before? (That’s a whole different session involving a different piece of writing!) Or revert back to the phrase at the beginning of this ditty, “I was busy birthing four babies.”
So here I am. He asked if I could go and pick up this bunk bed and put it in our suburban! Ummm, excuse me? Are you serious? One of my weaknesses is to put heavy shit and try to Tetris- my way into our suburban! Do you not see me!? Now some of you could be saying, "Kenzie, it is not a big deal, just do it!" And I will, I am going later today, but for him to ask me this is way out of the norm and totally did not feel seen or heard. I explained this to him between the tears, and he then later explained the WHY and there it was! The lightbulb!
"Matthew!" I exclaimed. If you explain things that need to get done, like reorganizing the garage because you want to fit a vehicle in our space in the winter and keep us warm, then okay! YES, I will help in any way I can. But if you tell me you want to reorganize the garage without any explanation, then, no thanks, I’m out! Yes, again, to some, I can see how that would come off. But the clinker is I explain why I am doing things that are extra. I asked him to meet me halfway and to be able to give him the time and space and that is how we are meeting in the middle.
Ephinany: If you explain what the end result is, I am more than happy to help get us there!
Lessons learned:
Don't ask hard questions if you don't want to hear the answers.
Relationships are hard, and talking about your feelings can be even harder
Coming up with actionable items is difficult, but for us, necessary.
Spaghetti-o's is a must!
The biggest thing is that he was going through this alone. Carrying this weight of all these projects alone, and no wonder when I talked to him, his mind was elsewhere. That is what happens to many of us, and most of us mothers. I have this, too, but in a different way, naturally, because we are all different. I am so glad we are talking about this and having the more complicated conversations and sharing the weight because isn't that what marriage and partnerships are about? Having vulnerable and challenging conversations and when one is down, having the capacity and emotional availability, albeit super de-duper hard, to say, "Hey, I see you are dealing with something. What's wrong?" Or, in my case, sliding in a very rude and sarcastic comment!
Well, we are all on a learning curve, aren't we?
We will keep having these harder conversations, validating each other and understanding the other partner’s needs and feelings. (Which is the definition of validation in my book, but felt that needed to be spelled out! HA) After all, this life can be tough, and you want a trustworthy and steadfast partner by your side.
Now, I am off to get my spaghetti-o’s and meatballs and this gosh-forsaken bunk bed. FOR THE LOVE!
Yes, you are right, Kenz, it is FOR THE LOVE!
Alas! Another epiphany! Add that to the list.